Island Med Student

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it. You better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.” -Eminem

Who am I? I am an optimist, a friend, a runner, a daughter, a creator, a dog lover, a sister, an artist, a medical student, and much more.

If I were to ask all you readers who you were, what would you say? What would be the first thing to come to your mind? A doctor? A musician? A medical student?

I made a commitment when I started med school to dedicate myself to it completely. It’s something that I’m very passionate about, however I have many assorted interests outside of the world of medicine. I have hobbies, relationships, and fascinations that are completely unrelated to health or medical school. Many people who are not involved in medicine might think that having a life outside of the hospital is a rather obvious benefit. But, they’ve never experienced the pressures we have.

From the first day I stepped foot inside the classroom, I felt the pressure to excel. We are compelled to study for very long hours every day. Then, during our clinical years, we spend every waking (and non-waking) hour at the hospital. We are supposed to be caring for our patients, and learning anything and everything possible. After all, if we miss something, it could mean a person’s life. During our internship and residency, the pressure is even greater. Having a life outside of the hospital is laughable at best. If you have any spare time, you should be studying, re-checking on your patients, or sleeping. Who has time for anything else?

I remember one night several years ago very clearly. It was during my second year of med school. We had a gigantic exam coming up the next day. I had finished studying around 9:00 p.m., and decided to go to a restaurant near the campus to have a glass of wine. While enjoying my beverage, I met several med students’ “spouses,” who were all having dinner to escape their insane companions. They looked up at me in disbelief. “What are you doing here… don’t you have an exam tomorrow?” they asked. “Yes, but I am finished studying,” I replied. They couldn’t comprehend the fact that I would actually stop studying and relax the night before an exam.

I have a million examples just like that one. There are many times that I have felt incredibly guilty for enjoying myself. When I take a little time off, I look around at other students who are still studying, and I question if they are more dedicated than I am. Ultimately it’s my duty to put my patients first. I wonder if there will always be that gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that missing one vital piece of information could mean a patient’s life.

This kind of thinking is a trap that has snared me at various points in my life. At times I have become lost in what I think other people expect of me. This is the paradox that exists in medical training: If we sacrifice ourselves to medicine, we lose what makes us who we are. But how can we give to our patients if we have nothing left to give to ourselves?

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